RVer Horoscopes for July 2017

RVer Horoscopes for July 2017

BY SWAMI HAL
Swami Hal is a retired psychic who travels full-time in a 37-foot Pace Arrow motorhome with his considerably younger, full-figured German wife Helga, aka Helga the Magnificent. The couple have two dogs, Brownie and Spotty, and a black cat named Blacky. Swami Hal has won numerous awards (he says), due to his uncanny ability to predict the future with fairly decent accuracy. We are honored to have the exclusive rights to publish Swami Hal’s monthly horoscopes for RV enthusiasts.

CANCER
June 21-July 22
The planets Windex and Tomato of the Bulbus Galaxy are aligned in a way that suggests you avoid eating Thomas English Muffins this month. To do so could cause very bad gas, known throughout the U.K. as “English Gas.” Multi-grain wheat bread, thinly sliced, would be a good alternative — kind to your system.

LEO
July 23-August 22
This is a great month to buy a lottery ticket. The planet Bob in the Kleenex Galaxy is showing unusual movement, which in the past has proven to be a benefit to some lottery players. It’s possible it could be you. Don’t be let down if you do not win. The Swami is just saying it might be a better month than average to play the lottery. However, do not risk more than $15.

VIRGO
August 23-September 22
Now, do not get too weirded out by this, but there is a pretty good chance there will be a small worm in a beverage you order this month, likely on an odd-numbered day. Oh, it won’t harm you, but it may startle you. If this should happen, simply request a new beverage. Stuff like this happens, a part of life. If you eat the burrowing invertebrate, just consider it bonus protein!

LIBRA
September 23-October 22
Be very careful with your silverware. A peculiar lunar alignment with the 95th parallel suggests that shiny objects could cause you hardship, particularly on even-numbered days. The Swami’s advanced software program, SwamiWare, suggests that silverware could cause you harm if you are not extra careful.

SCORPIO
October 23-November 21
The Swami would laugh at this if he weren’t such a sensitive, caring person. The fact is, there’s a somewhat significant chance your black water tank will spring a leak this month. To make it worse, it will happen late at night, so there will be plenty of time for seepage before you figure out what is going on. This, of course, will annoy your fellow campers (boy, is that an understatement!). So best advice: Inspect the tank right away. If you discover a crack, send $50 to the Swami for helping you avoid a disaster.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22-December 21
Mrs. Swami woke up the middle of night recently with a vision. This is exactly what she said to me: “Mr. Swami (no kidding, that’s what she calls me!), I see an RVer needing help backing his rig. I see a woman guiding the driver — a man — into a very tight back-in space. In my vision, neither the man nor the woman notice a tree stump that he will surely hit if not extra careful.” Because Mrs. Swami has been right so many times before, this message is to be taken seriously.

CAPRICORN:
December 22-January 19
In his first year of Astrology College, when the Swami studied under the great Astrologer Antonio LePesto Pronbaut Trump III, the Swami was warned of a phenomenon called “Negative-Positive Reactions to Celestial Disturbances.” When this occurs, which it will with you this month, there is no way to predict anything. So just go ahead and live your life as you always do, even if it’s boring.

AQUARIUS
January 20-February 18
The irregular asteroid Blappsmelter is moving closer to the planet Pukabongbong, which means you should try your very best this month to make only right turns with your vehicle. By turning left you raise your risk of a fender bender by approximately 370 percent. Be careful out there!

PISCES
February 19-March 20
Some people have been avoiding you and it will only get worse this month, Pisces. The word around the RV park is that you are somehow afraid to use your outdoor TV or kitchen. They perceive that as odd behavior, hence the normal human response of avoidance. Best course of action: Stage a pot luck later in the month. Invite the neighbors. Use our outdoor kitchen, and be sure your TV is on and cranked up to “let’s annoy the neighbors” volume.

ARIES
March 21-April 19
The solar eclipse in August is reason for concern for you this month, Aries. It suggests unusual mood swings, which could cause you to react to normal situations with loud, mysterious and offensive outbursts. The only reasonable course of action is to stay away from your spouse and friends as much as possible. Long visits alone to Walmart walking aimlessly would be wise.

TAURUS
April 20-May 20
Oh, this is not good! The alignment of the twin planets Xeron and WhamaBamaBingBang of the Plasma Galaxy have created a great opportunity for aliens to visit Earth. They will likely target humans under the sign of Taurus — well known as easy prey for space aliens intent on abductions and brain transplants. But don’t lose any sleep over this, Taurus. It’s a big world and your chances of being a victim are nearly zero. So no sweat!

GEMINI
May 21-June 20
On either the 14th or 17th of the month, a white duck will land on your RV’s roof. It will seem strange to you at first, unless you realize it was once someone’s pet, and is just looking for some commercial grade duck food. Chances are the duck’s name will be Louie, Louissa or Ernie. Feed the duck with whatever you think it might like, and then hope it will fly away and leave you alone. By all means, do not let it live on your roof! Duck poop is slimy and could seep into your vents, causing them to turn into what animal control experts call duck vents.

COPYRIGHT 2017 by the Swami Hal Foundation. Swami Hal suggests you use your own judgment when considering his advice. “While I am right a lot, I am also wrong a lot,” he explains. All rights (and wrongs) reserved.

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