BY SWAMI HAL
Swami Hal is a retired psychic who travels full-time in a 37-foot Pace Arrow motorhome with his considerably younger German wife Helga, aka Helga the Magnificent. The couple have two dogs, Brownie and Spotty, and a black cat named Blacky. Swami Hal has won many awards (he says), due to his uncanny ability to predict the future with fairly decent accuracy. We are honored to have the exclusive rights to publish Swami Hal’s monthly horoscopes for recreational vehicle enthusiasts.
February 19-March 20
Has your dog appeared listless, even sad this month? The way our moon and the moons of Mars are aligned suggests that Earth dogs may be suffering from “Cosmic Dog Disorder (CDD),” a condition brought on by irregular lunar positions. The best way to cheer up Fido is with a new ball or a steak bone with lots of meat still on it.
March 21-April 19
The alignment of Saturn and Pluto, coupled with strong cosmic rays, suggest that there is a high probability that one night this month you will learn that Martha Stewart is camped in the space next to you. Please respect her privacy, but if she should ask you to dinner don’t decline or you’re a fool.
April 20-May 20
This might be a good time for a professional waste tank cleaning. Bad stuff lurks in there and in your case, Taurus, there is a higher than normal probability of the gunk stinking up your RV very badly. A stinky RV can cause domestic problems due to stress when partners accuse each other of passing wind. So clean those tanks, okay?
May 21-June 20
If you will be traveling this month, consider a southeast route. The stars suggest a trip in that direction will reward you with the best travel experience. Traveling due north does not look good. In either case, watch out for rabbits or armadillos on the road. The alignment of Venus and Mercury suggests that rabbits are especially vulnerable to being hit this month, especially by Dodge pickups.
June 21-July 22
Avoid casinos this month unless you can stick to a $25 limit. The stars are in a very bad position for gamblers, but Cancer, that’s not the worst of it: They are in a spectacular alignment for the owners of casinos. So stay away, except for stopping for a buffet, where seasonal fresh fruit and veggies should be excellent.
July 23-August 22
Keep an eye on your spouse this month as he or she could be lured into an affair. Should that happen, which the alignment of Mars and Jupiter suggests as possible, it would be with the RVer in the campsite next to you. Men named Steven, Gil and Butch are most likely to stray. Women named Betty, Denise and Sally Sue are also candidates.
August 23-September 22
Check the level of your propane tank, Virgo. Do it right now. There’s a good chance it’s much lower than you thought. This will be especially true if you are camped in a Zip Code that begins with either 1 or 8. If you are somewhere else, don’t worry: You’re okay!
September 23-October 22
Do not pull off the road to help two male motorists who are holding a cardboard sign that says “Need Flat Tire Help.” Don’t be deceived by the Good Sam sticker on the RV: they are not members. They applied the decal as a deception. They’re escaped criminals looking for your money. Keep going and be thankful you read this warning from yours truly, Swami Hal.
October 23-November 21
There’s a good chance you will be called for jury duty this month and that it will be a tense trial involving a custody battle over a cat named Blasto, which admittedly is a terrible name for a cat. But the cat is very affectionate, which is important to both the feuding husband and wife who are basically lonely, friendless, physically disgusting, sorry excuses for human beings.
November 22-December 21
Be especially attentive to your surroundings this month. A crook has his eyes on your silverware and coffee mugs. If he should attempt a theft it will be at breakfast, when you are away from your RV at the KOA pancake breakfast. To help you avoid being ripped off, I, Swami Hal, can reveal that the crook’s name will most likely be Buck or Timmy and he will have a very large, bulbous nose and the name “Wilfred” tattooed on his forearm.
December 22-January 19
If you should dine this month at the counter of a small town cafe, it’s likely you will be served by a middle-aged woman named Betty. Be sure to order the chicken fried steak, which will be excellent. Just so you know, Betty is having trouble at home with her abusive husband Randy, who recently lost his job as an organ grinder. So be extra nice to her and leave a good tip. She needs it real bad.
January 20-February 18
This is the month to take up Pickleball, the new rage at RV parks. You will find that you are incredibly good at it. Be sure to enter the big tournament with its $200 prize. The stars and moons of the Astro belt Zuniak indicate you will win. Good job!
COPYRIGHT 2017 by the Swami Hal Foundation. Swami Hal suggests to use your own judgment when considering his advice. “While I am right a lot, I am also wrong a lot,” he says. All rights reserved.