BY SWAMI HAL
Swami Hal is a retired psychic who travels full-time in a 37-foot Pace Arrow motorhome with his considerably younger, full-figured German wife Helga, aka Helga the Magnificent. The couple have two dogs, Brownie and Spotty, and a black cat named Blacky. Swami Hal has won numerous awards (he says), due to his uncanny ability to predict the future with fairly decent accuracy. We are honored to have the exclusive rights to publish Swami Hal’s monthly horoscopes for RV enthusiasts.
August 23-September 22
On the 22nd of the month, you will dream about an old boyfriend or girlfriend. It will be wonderful, Virgo! You will be madly in love. You will also have a brand-new luxury RV, which will be decked out with every convenience. You will awake and realize it was all a dream, and you will be sad. You won’t be sad about the old flame, but that your present RV isn’t nearly as nice.
September 23-October 22
This is hard to believe, but there is an excellent chance based on the positions of the plants Max and Factor in the Cosmetic Galaxy that you will develop a bad case of acne! “At my age?” you ask! Yes, it does happen! But good news. It will go away soon. So no problemo!
October 23-November 21
A pleasant-looking man named Ernie R. Feltsmeister will approach you in an RV park offering to sell you three beans that you should plant to grow a giant beanstalk into the sky, where you can escape from the crazy rat race of present day life. Alas, Ernie is out of his mind, so just be nice and tell him you aren’t into beans.
November 22-December 21
Whatever you do, do not leave on an RV trip without carefully inspecting your tires. Harold the Magnificent, a friend of the Swami, is reporting in his blog “Harold Predicts” that the planets Biff and Plunger have been acting very odd, which is always a good indicator of problems with all things made of rubber, especially round things. So watch the rubber balls, too.
December 22-January 19
Be careful drinking the tap water at RV parks. The distant planets Bum and Knee in the Leather Whip Belt suggest a problem with certain types of water, including tap water, especially at places where people camp. So best to use a good filter or bottled water (but not in plastic containers, which are bad for the environment).
January 20-February 18
The Swami hates to bear bad news, but there is little doubt about it: Your ears and nose will experience a growth spurt this month. Some people experience this for months on end, and the result is unusually large features. Prince Charles is an example.
February 19-March 20
You will arrive at an RV park with a reservation, but the work camper clerk named Ted will say he never heard of you. You will say, “But we have a reservation,” to which he will repeat he never heard of you. Well, that is simply unacceptable. Tell Ted his campground stinks and move on. Head down the street to the Come On In RV Park, where there will be a nice space with full hookups. And for only $25!
March 21-April 19
There is an excellent chance, Aries, that the President will show up at your RV park in a long motorhome painted with real gold. He’ll camp right next to you in the longest pull-through site in the park, the one that costs 20 percent more than yours (peanuts to him). He will be there to check out the habits of RVers, as he is thinking that after leaving office he might want to open a chain of glampgrounds.
April 20-May 20
Buy a lottery ticket this month, Taurus! The stars are positioned in the perfect alignment. They suggest good luck for you, but only with lottery tickets. So no slot machines! Do not buy more than $5 worth, though, as the stars are not aligned THAT good.
May 21-June 20
This may shock you! But the Swami is pretty sure that on the 17th of the month, Gemini women should wear a Muumuu dress and men should wear a Nehru jacket. This may seem silly, but the truth is, doing so should bring excellent luck. It will likely involve either finding a long lost shoe or weight loss, as much 12 pounds in a single week even if you drink two milkshakes a day.
June 21-July 22
Do not drive over the speed limit this month. In a dream last night the Swami saw a terrible accident and it scared the pee pee out of him (not literally, of course). In the dream there was no RV, but that’s no reason to think this could not happen to you. So drive very carefully and do not exceed the speed limit, even if everyone else is. They’re fools! They are in denial of the consequences of their actions. Not you, though! You definitely know!
July 23-August 22
One day this month you will be in an old hotel lobby with an elk head mounted on the wall. You will be admiring it, when all of a sudden you will see it blink! Yes, blink! You will shake your head and think you’re going crazy. Then it will blink again! But do not worry, you’re okay. It’s just your mind playing a little trick. It happens to everybody. The Swami swears he was once bitten by a giant grasshopper. But that was back in the late ‘60s when the Swami was smoking some nasty stuff.
COPYRIGHT 2017 by the Swami Hal Foundation. Swami Hal suggests you use your own judgment when considering his advice. “While I am right a lot, I am also wrong a lot,” he explains. All rights (and wrongs) reserved.